There is no shortage of posts, tweets, and status updates about more important things this week. I read and appreciate all of them, but this is not one of those posts. I don’t write or post about the ”important stuff” beyond Geek Culture because that’s not the arrangement you and I have with each other.
There are people far smarter than I am, and far more appropriate, to be the people you want to read and learn from when it comes to the things that matter in life. Me? I’m a simple guy. I like my coffee in the morning. A beautiful woman in my life, and writing as much as I can. That’s it. That’s all there is to me. Any world-changing ambition I had left after I almost died a few years ago.
I’m also a big believer in the Sherlock Holmes way of thinking, in that if I don’t need to know something related to my job, I push it out of my head immediately. That other piece of information is just taking up space. This mindset makes me a terrible sports fan. As much as I love the Kings, Dodgers and Lakers, I couldn’t tell you anything about the season before the current one. The lone exception there being the New York Mets, who my family follows religiously. This requires me to keep a near encyclopedic knowledge of the team because my conversations with the family are often superficial and sometimes limited to the latest in Flushing.
When you’re a writer, keeping an uncluttered mind is easier said than done, which is why Evernote is so great. I don’t need to remember things, like how sound can kill you because I can just store that in Evernote to reference later. If the information in my head doesn’t help me entertain you, then there’s no reason for it to be there.
And that’s my job, to entertain you. I say, do and write funny, insightful, and often ridiculous things because that’s the deal we have with each other. Otherwise, what’s the point? Why take time out of your life to read what some stranger on the internet thinks about anything other than when it comes to the most newsworthy of things? So, no matter how bad things get out there, we’ll have each other here. And I hope you’ll understand why I refrain from posting, writing, or tweeting about the big stuff. It’s not that I don’t care or don’t have an opinion, it’s just not our arrangement.
Not everyone is going to agree with that, but that’s how I see things. Cool? Cool. So, I better get back to my job, and that brings us to something so big, so dumb, and so wonderful that it can only come from the world of professional wrestling: “The Final Deletion.”
No, don’t worry. You don’t need to follow or even like professional wrestling to appreciate the glorious masterpiece that is “The Final Deletion.” You just need an appreciation for really dumb, aggressively stupid things produced by people who are in on the joke that what they’re making is bad. Intentionally so. “The Final Deletion” is the professional wrestling equivalent of “The Room” or “Troll 2.” It’s something so bad, you can’t believe it got made in the first place, but you’re glad that it was. In a sea of utter madness, spectacularly bad films and television shows are the comfort food of the soul. If not for my gleefully watching every episode of the atrocious “The Secret Life of the American Teenager,” I wouldn’t have survived the recession.
Given everything I tried not to mention at the start of this post, then, I strongly encourage you to take 20 minutes out of your day and watch “The Final Deletion.” TNA Wrestling was kind enough to upload the entire eighteen-minute video to YouTube. Annoyingly they added a couple of commercials spliced in there to remind you that Impact Wrestling is moving to Thursday nights on July 21, but that’s only a minor inconvenience. Don’t let those brief ads spoil the glory of your viewing experience. For you, non wrestling fans, just use those minor interruptions to check Messenger quickly on your phone.
If you do take my advice and watch “The Final Deletion,” all you need to know is this: “The Final Deletion” is a short film featuring a seven-minute battle between two idiots at their home in North Carolina. The wrestling match itself, those final seven minutes or so, is only part of the attraction. The rest of the film involves a spontaneous fireworks battle, a child’s birthday party, drones being used to troll people, in the way God always intended for drones to be used, and Señor Benjamin. Señor Benjamin is the wise and crafty gardener of Matt Hardy, who has embraced what could have been an offensive role in the weeks building up to this battle on “Impact Wrestling”, and has mined it for comedy gold.
(Actually, and in this day in age it’s something that needs to be said, let’s have a quick word about Señor Benjamin. For those of you who might have questions about his portrayal. Reby Hardy, Matt’s real life and on screen wife, is Latino. Their real life, and on screen, son is as well. You can see little baby Maxwell receiving a “delightful xylophone” at the start of “The Final Deletion.” This line, by the way and “It’s a dilapidated boat!” are two of the most quotable lines from the film.
Given the makeup of Matt’s onscreen, and real life family, and the obvious fact that they’re going for camp and comedic effect here, I didn’t take Señor Benjamin’s character to be offensive. Not to mention, he’s Reby Hardy’s father. So if you’re just glancing at this film, and you’re like, “Oh. Of course, the Latino guy is playing a gardener,” I want to assure you there’s more going on with this story. There are real things to be outraged about, particularly in the world of professional wrestling, but Señor Benjamin is not one. He’s a national treasure. One you should open your heart for.)
You will experience many emotions while viewing “The Final Deletion.” Some will bring you to utter words like, “Why am I watching this?” Others will make you curse my name and spit on my family. I encourage you to watch it anyway. Because in doing so, although you may never get those 20 minutes of your life back, you will forget all your troubles and everything bad happening in the world around you.